Breathe in and Breathe out……Goodbye 2018

smoke break 1024


Inhale deep…… exhale… long and slow.

~Oh child when you are weary Weary deep down in your soul~

Remember a few years back when everyone was ready for the year to end? We lost a lot of amazing, talented, and good people that year. I’ll admit I was ready for it to be over too, but not as much I am ready to say goodbye to 2018.

~Hear my voice rolling like a river I won’t ever leave you alone No no no~

January Rushed in and flooded out so quickly that looking back now, I wonder where it went. February arrived and that is when my world came crashing for the first time… I lost one of the most important men in my life. A man, that took me in as his own, encouraging and helping me find my way. A man, that helped push me through college. A man, that taught me more about life than I cared to know at the time. This man was not only my father in law but my second Dad. My Dad for 13 years of my life just gone. Gone way to soon. It wasn’t easy and It never will be.

~Ain’t no chain gonna hold you down Ain’t no grave gonna hold you now~

Just I was getting to where I thought I could grieve and begin to process and move on, My precious Mom was told… “I’m sorry there is nothing I can do for you. You need to see a specialist because you could have cancer.” That month was waiting for one of the longest months of my life up to that point. If losing my father in law wasn’t enough, here I could be losing my mom… My first best friend in life. Finally that day in March came around and it was all okay. It was just a super crazy infection.. one week of meds and all clear. I could breathe again…

~Yesterday done came and gone Ain’t it time to bury them bones ~

March… April… May…. So many people with the wonderful huge announcements. I’m happy for them. They are family.. They deserve this. But it lingers… Why? Why can’t I be doing those same announcements? I’ve done everything right… Why can’t I just be able to feel that overwhelming, uncontrollable joy? I want to hear that first cry. I want to count all ten fingers and all ten toes. Am I just “Too old” …. *Rolls eyes and sighs*… It will happen, all in time.

~ Ain’t no chain gonna hold you down Ain’t no grave gonna hold you now~

June. It’s the middle of the year. Things are gonna be okay.. Halfway mark. I got this. Like Elsa, “Conseal… don’t feel. Don’t let it show” Be strong. Keep pushing forward. There are some changes happening.. these are good changes right? yeah.. It’s gonna be okay. Just keep going.

~Yesterday done came and gone Ain’t it time to bury them bones~

July, August, September….. More big announcements and plans to be made. I’m excited for them. Worrisome.. but who wouldn’t worry about them. They are young.. So young. Brand new couple starting life, living on love. They can do this though! “Just have one… it’s one shot.” what? I haven’t even had that first cigarette in months.. I’ve avoided drinks with friends.. I can’t… wait, you know what.. I can. It will happen when it’s supposed to right.

~Oh child when you’re in darkness Them devils circling around~

October…. What is going on? 3 days… really…. not 5/6….something is wrong with me. I think I should be talking to the “professionals” now. something isn’t right? Maybe it’s just be “Getting old”…. Ugh.. *One week passes* … I think just for shits and giggles…. Negative…. *Sighs*… okay.. No big deal… It’s coming. It’s gonna be okay. Stay strong.

~Don’t you go thinking it’s hopeless Takes some getting lost to be found ohhh~

November….. Dammit! Why do things happen at the most unexpected time? I need my distraction! No telling how long it will take…. Election day… damn… okay.. Let me go give my two cents for this… but first…. Wait.. what day is it.. I’m 5 days….Positive. ♥ My world shifted… I know what I’ll be doing after my vote.

~Ain’t no chain gonna hold you down Ain’t no grave gonna hold you now~

Doctor comes in….. “Well, It is positive.. this is a good thing right?” I still don’t believe it.. “Yes! It is!” It happened.. it’s here… Call him, don’t text it.. Yes thank you ♥ .. I’m so glad you are here to keep me grounded knowing I would be a head full of thoughts. I love you. Thank you. I called…. Excitement slowly grows over the next few weeks.

~Yesterday done came and gone Ain’t it time to bury them bones~

Thanksgiving….. what is happening.. oh this is a normal response.. no big deal… I have an appt next week. I’ll mention it.. Things are gonna be fine. …… 5 days days… It’s still here and … no….. not this too.. I’m calling them. ….. longest hour of my life… I’m in the waiting room…

~Ain’t no chain gonna hold you down Ain’t no grave gonna hold you now~

There is nothing….. in there… I’m 7 weeks… why is it only 5 weeks measuring….. what is this called? I’ve been to school… I should know this stuff.. the doctor is amazing but everything sounds like Charlie brown right now. Pay attention… listen, catch the key words. it’s gonna be okay. “I’m gonna keep some Hope, but this doesn’t look promising”

~Yesterday done came and gone Ain’t it time to bury them bones~

5 days later….. it happened today… I’m okay, But why can’t have that “Closure” others have gotten. Stay logical…. You are strong.. You can handle this. everything has a rhyme and reason. Tell the doctor.. yes.. I probably should….”I’m sorry you went through this.. Keep me posted.”

~Take me down to the river Wash me clean in the water Take me down to the river Wash me clean in the water~

December…. 2 week wait… Finally it is here.. “You are okay and clear. No surgery… You seem to be handling this extremely well.” “I have my moments… but my support system is amazing”

I will never forget…… I will carry  you with me forever. Thank you for teaching me things I didn’t know I needed to learn. Thank you for showing me how strong i can be and how strong I am. I’ll get to meet you one day, I have no doubts. Have fun with your Papa…. he needed you more. Go Find your Nana, Popaw, Mimaw… Go find Eric, Go find Emily, run and play with your cousin.. and when you’re through with your adventures…. My heart will be always be your home. I love you…. My first Angel.

Inhale deeper……. exhale slow…. smoke circles……

~Take me down to the river Wash me clean in the water Take me down to the river Wash me clean in the water.~

Bones ~ Garrison Starr


Head: Catwa Catya Head
Body – Maitreya Lara 4.1
Skin: Glam Affair Catwa Cherry Applier and Maitreya Body Applier 6
Shape: My own/Not for Sale
Hair: Truth Beatrix

{Clothes and Accessories}
Jewelry: Earthstones All My love Bridal
Dress: ISON  turtleneck Sidelaced Dress @ Collabor88
Shoes: Reign Tana Boots and socks

{Set Design}
Minimal SOHO Building @ Collabor88

Foxcity City Light 6

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